I love going places. I detest leaving.

Copenhagen – Osterbro

About a million years ago, when I was setting off to find my fame and fortune as a journalist in London I had a leaving party the night before.

Thinking about it now, it had been a stressful week beforehand. I had flown down to London only a couple of days earlier to find a flat. Three days on my friend Sofia’s couch in Shoreditch to go house hunting, two days back home to pack and put my life into a few bags, then off to London forever. I executed the plan perfectly. It was an absolutely horrific plan. I’m not sure how exactly to describe what transpired at that leaving party, but “spoilt teenage meltdown” comes close to doing it justice.

I don’t really know the best way to relocate in a stressless environment, but I do have a few perfect examples of how to get off to a terrible start.

I was notified I had the position in Brussels only a fortnight before the job started. It was approximately 12 days before that same job started that I discovered my passport had expired. After I’d renewed it and booked the fights, changed my entire life savings of about £500 in to euros, packed and said my goodbyes, all that was left was to entirely relocate to my new home city and find a place to live.

I’m just saying, if there’s an easy way of doing it, it still eludes me.

This time, leaving for Europe I knew one thing: there would be no leaving party. I intended to sneak out the back door. To me I was just leaving for a trip.

However, over a far too extended period of a fortnight, I seemed to be spending a lifetime saying goodbye. The stress of a leaving party, spread concisely over weeks. And so it was, I got it wrong again.

But here I am in Copenhagen, the sun is streaming through the fourth floor balcony and open door, and instead of the happiness of being about to start a new adventure, I’m sitting here having second thoughts.

I made the decision to finally leave and go wandering in December, probably by being the living embodiment of every mid 30s cliché in the book.

I had just got out of a long term relationship earlier that year, I was in a job going nowhere and suddenly I had an inflated sense of freedom, along with my usual feeling of self importance. It also seemed that everyone I was meeting at the time was travelling.

Wonderful and captivating anecdotes of the freedom of solitary travel.

One of these heroic travellers I met last year was a girl who wanted no commitment, didn’t see a future between us and didn’t feel that we should have any obligations of fidelity to each other. This wild and free feeling of complete liberty was a heady sip of wine.

But when that girl drives you to the airport months after you first met her, it’s never as straight forward as you’d hope. That had never been part of the plan. This really fucked with the plan. But that’s how plans work when they get hijacked by life. I think you can either have one or the other: A life worth living, or a set of plans. They mix as well as oil and vinegar. They jostle for position and you really have to pick one and stick with it.

And so, under a cloud of doubts and indecision, I set off for Europe.

Russia and Saudi Arabia to Initiate World Cup with Human Rights Violations

With the 2018 World Cup Football Kicking Jamboree set to begin, all eyes are focused on what world-class Russian and Saudi Arabian basic human rights violations we can expect to see in the forthcoming weeks.

As the two powerhouses are set to clash, football fans across all world nations are speculating wildly as to which strategies will be employed by the two respective governments, deciding once and for all the winner of best worst human rights records in the world.

A representative from the Saudi Arabian Consulate had this to say:

“We intend to shock and intimidate the Russian infidels by marching a team of innocent women onto the field and stoning them to death. That is if the rock throwers have not had their hands chopped off for eating meat that has not been butchered appropriately.

“if this is ineffective we will hijack some planes, crash into football stadiums then tell Russia Afghanistan did it, meaning Iraq get invaded by USA. This is a cunning strategy, Russia go to pieces against Afghanistan.”

A Russian spokesperson however, remained unrattled:

“Ha, we fear nothing. To prove this we stage beatings of homosexuals around grounds. That way we beating men as well as women, this prove we are braver and more man.

“And if we’re honest, we hope they do begin reign of terror. This was our plan all along.”

Russia did however wish to reassure other nations not to worry too much.

“If things get out of hand, no cause for concern. For half time we have prepared special tea to help our Saudi opponents. We make extra stronk.”

FIFA released this statement:

“With the upcoming sports tournament about to commence, we hope world opinion can focus on what is important here which is how easily we can be bribed to bring massive revenue streams to countries where people are killed on a regular basis in spite of the deafening roar of almost unanimous world opinion against the decision.

“As for the fixture between Russia and Saudi Arabia, we are eagerly anticipating excellent performances from both sides.

“This is the Saudi’s first time abroad since invading Yemen, we expect their tactics will mostly be taking shots from distance then running away.

“Russia on the other hand, fresh from another doping scandal, will become tired after 10-15 minutes, yet return in the second half strangely envigorated to sneak the win. Should be even easier if everyone else is dead or missing which is a strong favourite with the bookies”

Russia had this to add:

“Of three points claimed, two will go to Tsar Putin while the remaining one will go to Mother Russia. And by Mother Russia we mean Oligarch Gangsters. This leave Russia stronk at bottom of group with minus six.”

“If the competition comes down to a tie, the game will go down to sudden death.

“Of journalists.”

More guns clearly definitely most effective solution against guns “except in any situation involving guns”.

As another massacre with legally obtained guns unfolds in a state with an open carry gun law, many are very convinced that good guys with guns is still clearly the best deterrent against gun crime “except in cases involving guns”.

As the debate rages on as to what can possibly be done to decrease school shootings while not actually making any sustained effort to change anything, people are left perplexed as to what is left as the next course of action.

Gun owner Troy McPartlin had this to say:

“As a gun owner I’ve already sent my thoughts and prayers. I don’t see what else can possibly be done. We could discuss taking guns away from the general public, but then the number of people getting shot might begin to decrease.

“That just won’t work for the US. Sorry, me. That won’t work for me. How else will I keep my own family in a constant state of danger?”

A spokesperson for the Department of Thoughts and Prayers had this to say:

“We here in the American Government have seen in other countries with low gun crime rates that making guns illegal, or at least heavily monitoring and regulating gun ownership is the key to preventing mass gun murder on a genocidal level. But sadly it’s a very difficult situation involving taking an actual political stand and implementing legislation. Who do you think we are? The Government?

“We’d like to make guns illegal, we really would, but well. We aren’t going to. Because. Look, just because.”

An alternative solution to gun crime being proposed is the introduction of a heavily dangerous firearm into every household and workplace in the US.

Troy had this to say:

“See that at least makes sense. If everyone has a gun, no one will get shot anymore.”

Yelling loudly at sport on pub TV “not” vital to game progress

Recent studies have shown that yelling at sport while in a pub has a drastic and direct effect on precisely fuck all.

The shocking revelation comes as a surprise to no one except the halfwits that find themselves yelling at inanimate objects with flashing screens.

Terry Hobbs who likes to shout loudly had this to say:

“Oh yeah, I mean really it’s about the tribal hierarchies of men crammed into a room desperately trying to appear more valid and important as an alpha male. But you can’t just punch each other, you’ve got to do it by shouting something like “you blind, ref?!”

“That’s the best attention seeking behaviour, I find. Make sure you can demonstrate more knowledge of tedious game law than a highly trained man who gets paid to do it as an actual profession.”

Pub owner Ben Smith is worried about the news.

“I mean, it’s my bread and butter isn’t it? My main revenue stream comes from people who think their opinion on sport matters. They actually think it matters! If they have that taken away from them, where does it end?”

Acclaimed sport scientist Johnny Newmonic said

“Look we’re not saying that watching sports and screaming loudly as if someone gives a shit is a complete waste of energy and time, we’re just saying it’s not useful to anyone for anything ever. I hope that’s cleared things up.

“Really these people might as well go to the park and call the ducks French. It would be just as useful.”

Racist Thug Surprised by Presence of Other Racist Thug in Party of Racist Thugs

Last week, a racist man who enjoys punching things was punched by a racist man who also enjoys punching things.

All spectators were surprised that racist thugs punch each other despite them being members of a political party noted for its racist punching.

The racist man who got punched said:

“You know, you’d think when you’re in meetings with racist thugs you’d be able to avoid dwelling on hate and just get on with a bit of unity. You know, unity in hating everything, but that’s still unity, isn’t it?”

The punchy thug said:

“Fucking dick. I hate him. Almost as much as I hate everything. 9/10 would totally punch again.”

This latest incident in the Racist Thug Punching Party has sparked speculation that grouping racist thugs together and giving them any kind of political standing is “fucking stupid.”

A non racist person who once thought of punching someone but then didn’t had this to say:

“Well, really as long as they’re punching each other I’m pretty much fine with that.”

The racist thug who clearly takes punches really badly luckily received hospital treatment free of charge due to the fact that his right to healthcare in the foreign country in question is legally protected through legislation voted on by the organization he is 100% against.

The remarkably stupid man had this to say:

“The healthcare I received was first rate and I hated it. The medical staff were excellent, but French. The fact I didn’t have to pay a penny was a perfect example of how progressive the EU is and I find that completely unacceptable.”

Further debate has been sparked as to whether leading this group of absurd lunatics should be left some kind of Farage shaped lunatic.

Many thinkers that are more pragmatic have voiced plans to herd them all onto a racist island where they can be as racist as they like, but then realized that’s pretty much what has happened already.

Government Launches Bars for Dickheads

The government has announced plans to launch a new chain of pub restaurants, which will cater exclusively to unbearable cocks.

Rich Childs, from the Ministry of Eats and Drinks explains the decision.

“For too long, waiting staff have been on the front line of handling arseholes. And not in the fun sense.

“Given only medium wage, yet selling their souls, these poor bastards have to deal with some silly shit.

“We’re opening a few places which will hopefully act as a beacon, drawing all the tosspots away from good bars and restaurants. Not only will it prevent the eventual shootings and alcoholism predictably caused by waiting staff abuse, but will actually make all other bars and restaurants a pleasant place to be.”

Management consultant, Dick Jones, dislikes the idea.

“As someone with, oh coming up for well, no experience in the hospitality industry whatsoever, I feel it is my god given right to complain about all elements of my pub experience as soon as I enter.

“I like to begin by pointing out the branded glass selected does not correspond to the beer I have ordered, as this has absolutely no affect on the flavour, but is very important.

“Next I demand a menu when there is one sitting on my table. This is vital, to make sure the waiting staff know who is in charge.

“Once I have ordered, I tell them that my order is more important than everyone else’s, and needs to be made quicker. I’m sure the kitchen staff are taking their sweet time dicking about unless I do this. If they are working as fast as they can, then they need to rediscover the entire physics of food preparation in order to satisfy my outlandish needs.”

Ophelia Murphy-Smith, a part time consulting manager with three vegan children, also felt her opinion was important.

“Speaking as a mother, when I bring my children to completely inappropriate places such as bars, the entire world has to stop what it’s doing and adhere to my every whim. I’m a mother, for Christ sake.

“When I order on behalf of myself and the children, I make sure to change at least three different elements in every single dish. Makes you wonder why I didn’t just stay at home and make it myself. To answer your question, I ran out of Pinot Grigio and if I make the mistake of becoming sober I might actually smother myself.

“I then leave very quickly, as my mewling brats have turned a large area of the bar into early 90s Sarajevo.

“Tip? I have three children to have other people clean up after. You must be barking…….”

Trainee managerial consultant Johnny Prickson is also sceptical.

“Will they do cocktails, these new bars? It’s fine if they don’t, instead of finding a bar which does, I’ll just continue to demand cocktails until I get them.

“I’m not even that bothered about cocktails, I’m a lad. I just need to make sure everyone in the bar can see how fun and rich I am. Lad.

“By ordering cocktails, the crowd of people waiting for drinks grows monstrous in size and temprament, and they all are forced to watch me and my elaborate order. Pure lad. Plus it might get the girl I’m with to sleep with me. Begging and crying still hasn’t worked. Lad.”

Rich Childs tackled the criticism.

“These bars will be staffed by prison guards. Not that we’re telling anyone that. We won’t actually be serving anything either. Really, we’re just rounding them all up. We’re then sorely tempted to seal the doors and windows and drown them in the cheap lager a lot of them always demand due to the fact they clearly have never understood why humans drink.

“But let’s face it, with that much self entitlement crammed into one room, they’ll probably kill each other in seconds anyway.

“Fingers crossed.”

Clegg breaks political convention by stating “anyone could win anything ever, or not.”

Nick Clegg dramatically announced today that voting in the next general election could indeed result in the possible election of an elected person.

The Liberal Democrat leader, and part time mobile phone salesman, clearly explained that by voting for anyone on ballot day, the country could end up with yet a whole other government.

“By voting for any of the political parties, such as Labour, The Tories UKIP, SNP or us, almost any of these parties could gain seats. It’s just like the democracy we’ve had before, except this actually involves people and voting.

“This means that people really have to be careful in choosing who they vote for. If there’s one thing we’ve all learnt, it’s that governments do things. Probably”

The news comes as a revelation to everyone with no memory whatsoever.

John Everyman had this to say:

“When I voted last time I voted for the yellow puppet because he made fun noises on the TV. This then resulted in the other puppets being around. I just didn’t like the dour puppet, he was rubbish.

“All in all I think I’ll vote for the box closest to my pen when I pick it up, that way I’ll have a real influence on things.”

Political commentators countered Clegg’s argument:

“Well, look what happened this time four years ago. Five years? Whatever. Listen, Clegg came along telling us to vote for him and this then resulted in government existing and some people liking it, with other people not liking it. So to be fair, he’s clearly been paying attention.

“Indeed, if people do go and vote for parties that put up candidates, these parties could very possibly then gain seats. It’s quite difficult to follow, but that’s politics isn’t it?

‘Who will win? Fuck knows. Politics. Yeah, politics will win.”

Man saves world with Facebook posts

It has recently emerged that a man has changed the world by posting and sharing Facebook links about “important sounding things”.

Since setting up his account, the man has saved the public sector, overthrown greedy bankers, and completely altered the mindset of our society to create a Utopian system with magical unicorns.

“I just see articles pointing out how crap things are, and post them,” said the man, “and then it changes and is better, because that’s hat happens when you post things on Facebook.

“I hated the Tory government, because I think very differently to everyone else. No one knew they were crap, but I put a Guardian article up saying they were crap and suddenly everyone agreed.

“The world would be so terrible if I wasn’t here posting things that people need to know.”

One of his main staples is memes with poor grammar explaining the third world is full of ill children.

“To make sure my conscience is clear I think it’s important to remind people constantly that our capitalist system doesn’t work. On a good day my friends all pontificate about it endlessly in interminable threads under informative images I find, we shut our eyes, wiggle our noses, count to ten really fast, and everything is better.”

The man has a great deal of other objectives he feels he must accomplish before he shuts down his account.

“I need to make sure people aren’t mean to other people on the internet, so I’ve found a few articles showing that some people use the internet to bully people. I think if everyone reads that, they’ll definitely modify their behaviour. That’s just human nature.

“In my experience thus far, people love having other opinions explained to them, I mean how else can we improve society?

“I’m pretty sure I will be able to cure cancer, as long as a get enough likes. I’d try AIDS but no one ever seems to mention it on social media, so who gives a fuck?

“This ebola shit will be easy to nip in the bud, I’ll just put articles up showing it’s horrible.”

Once the man is done with Facebook, his account will be deactivated by Roman soldiers, and he will be resurrected three days later in a Twitter cave.