The government has announced plans to launch a new chain of pub restaurants, which will cater exclusively to unbearable cocks.
Rich Childs, from the Ministry of Eats and Drinks explains the decision.
“For too long, waiting staff have been on the front line of handling arseholes. And not in the fun sense.
“Given only medium wage, yet selling their souls, these poor bastards have to deal with some silly shit.
“We’re opening a few places which will hopefully act as a beacon, drawing all the tosspots away from good bars and restaurants. Not only will it prevent the eventual shootings and alcoholism predictably caused by waiting staff abuse, but will actually make all other bars and restaurants a pleasant place to be.”
Management consultant, Dick Jones, dislikes the idea.
“As someone with, oh coming up for well, no experience in the hospitality industry whatsoever, I feel it is my god given right to complain about all elements of my pub experience as soon as I enter.
“I like to begin by pointing out the branded glass selected does not correspond to the beer I have ordered, as this has absolutely no affect on the flavour, but is very important.
“Next I demand a menu when there is one sitting on my table. This is vital, to make sure the waiting staff know who is in charge.
“Once I have ordered, I tell them that my order is more important than everyone else’s, and needs to be made quicker. I’m sure the kitchen staff are taking their sweet time dicking about unless I do this. If they are working as fast as they can, then they need to rediscover the entire physics of food preparation in order to satisfy my outlandish needs.”
Ophelia Murphy-Smith, a part time consulting manager with three vegan children, also felt her opinion was important.
“Speaking as a mother, when I bring my children to completely inappropriate places such as bars, the entire world has to stop what it’s doing and adhere to my every whim. I’m a mother, for Christ sake.
“When I order on behalf of myself and the children, I make sure to change at least three different elements in every single dish. Makes you wonder why I didn’t just stay at home and make it myself. To answer your question, I ran out of Pinot Grigio and if I make the mistake of becoming sober I might actually smother myself.
“I then leave very quickly, as my mewling brats have turned a large area of the bar into early 90s Sarajevo.
“Tip? I have three children to have other people clean up after. You must be barking…….”
Trainee managerial consultant Johnny Prickson is also sceptical.
“Will they do cocktails, these new bars? It’s fine if they don’t, instead of finding a bar which does, I’ll just continue to demand cocktails until I get them.
“I’m not even that bothered about cocktails, I’m a lad. I just need to make sure everyone in the bar can see how fun and rich I am. Lad.
“By ordering cocktails, the crowd of people waiting for drinks grows monstrous in size and temprament, and they all are forced to watch me and my elaborate order. Pure lad. Plus it might get the girl I’m with to sleep with me. Begging and crying still hasn’t worked. Lad.”
Rich Childs tackled the criticism.
“These bars will be staffed by prison guards. Not that we’re telling anyone that. We won’t actually be serving anything either. Really, we’re just rounding them all up. We’re then sorely tempted to seal the doors and windows and drown them in the cheap lager a lot of them always demand due to the fact they clearly have never understood why humans drink.
“But let’s face it, with that much self entitlement crammed into one room, they’ll probably kill each other in seconds anyway.