With the 2018 World Cup Football Kicking Jamboree set to begin, all eyes are focused on what world-class Russian and Saudi Arabian basic human rights violations we can expect to see in the forthcoming weeks.
As the two powerhouses are set to clash, football fans across all world nations are speculating wildly as to which strategies will be employed by the two respective governments, deciding once and for all the winner of best worst human rights records in the world.
A representative from the Saudi Arabian Consulate had this to say:
“We intend to shock and intimidate the Russian infidels by marching a team of innocent women onto the field and stoning them to death. That is if the rock throwers have not had their hands chopped off for eating meat that has not been butchered appropriately.
“if this is ineffective we will hijack some planes, crash into football stadiums then tell Russia Afghanistan did it, meaning Iraq get invaded by USA. This is a cunning strategy, Russia go to pieces against Afghanistan.”
A Russian spokesperson however, remained unrattled:
“Ha, we fear nothing. To prove this we stage beatings of homosexuals around grounds. That way we beating men as well as women, this prove we are braver and more man.
“And if we’re honest, we hope they do begin reign of terror. This was our plan all along.”
Russia did however wish to reassure other nations not to worry too much.
“If things get out of hand, no cause for concern. For half time we have prepared special tea to help our Saudi opponents. We make extra stronk.”
FIFA released this statement:
“With the upcoming sports tournament about to commence, we hope world opinion can focus on what is important here which is how easily we can be bribed to bring massive revenue streams to countries where people are killed on a regular basis in spite of the deafening roar of almost unanimous world opinion against the decision.
“As for the fixture between Russia and Saudi Arabia, we are eagerly anticipating excellent performances from both sides.
“This is the Saudi’s first time abroad since invading Yemen, we expect their tactics will mostly be taking shots from distance then running away.
“Russia on the other hand, fresh from another doping scandal, will become tired after 10-15 minutes, yet return in the second half strangely envigorated to sneak the win. Should be even easier if everyone else is dead or missing which is a strong favourite with the bookies”
Russia had this to add:
“Of three points claimed, two will go to Tsar Putin while the remaining one will go to Mother Russia. And by Mother Russia we mean Oligarch Gangsters. This leave Russia stronk at bottom of group with minus six.”
“If the competition comes down to a tie, the game will go down to sudden death.